Tuesday, April 19, 2016

How to be a Law Breaking Felon

Boy, do the cops in this town need something to do.

Don't get me wrong.  Cops are cool.  I'm even good friends with a cop (I think.  He might be mad at me after he reads this).  My brother's best friend is a cop.  I love Criminal Minds, Law and Order SVU  (love that Detective Benson), and CSI Miami (there is something about David Caruso and his sunglasses move - you know what I'm talking about).   I have the love jones for Zahn McClarnon who plays a rez cop on the show Longmire.  But the cops around here?  They need a life.

But then, I'm one to talk.  I spend so much time with my pets, they're codependent.

I finally got busted.  It happened.  I knew it would and I was just waiting for it.  I knew I was breaking the law, I knew I deserved a reprimand.  I was just unprepared for how furious it made me.  I think maybe it happened during the worst possible week and I had already been busted twice for stupid things recently, one on my birthday when I was already feeling sensitive.

I've been running Tess loose for months now.  We have a route.  We go down to the river, follow it, go back along the walking path and to the mostly deserted park near my house, and then home.  She is off leash most of the time which is technically against the law in city limits.  Besides the one time she made a jogger wet her pants, Tess has been a model citizen.  If I see other people around or I see dogs loose, I leash her.  Most of the time I make sure the surrounding area is completely deserted before I let Tess off the leash.  I'm not an idiot.  I know how to control my dog.  She does not go up to fenced yards when dogs are barking at her.  If I call her back she comes to me almost immediately.  That poor lady jogger was an anomaly.  It was just her lucky day, I think.  Like cats attracted to anyone who is allergic to them, so Tess is attracted to anyone who is terrified of her.  She just wants to make friends. She doesn't understand that people might find her the devil.

I don't get that anyway.  She's so cute.  I mean, she is the best dog in the world.  Wouldn't hurt a fly.  Okay, she would totally hurt a fly and a wasp and probably a douchebag if he threatened me, but most people?  She loves people.  She loves cats.  She loves most other dogs.  She's a big ball of love.

So the other day Tess was down by the river taking a dump and here comes Mr. Animal Control in his Great Big Truck.  I don't think he's a real cop.  He gets to wear the uniform and drive the marked vehicle, but really, he's driving around looking for loose dogs.  That badge and gun are just for show.  He must have been bored out of his mind.

"Excuse me ma'am, are you aware that you should have your dog leashed within city limits?"

"I'm sorry, officer, she needed to go to the bathroom."

"I understand it's hard when your dog wants to go to the bathroom and sniff around, but you have to keep your dog restrained."

"Yes, officer.  Of course, officer."

They always "understand," don't they?

He proceeded to lecture me, demand my name, address, phone number, and birth date, and then let me off with a warning.  All with "ma'am" at the end of each sentence.  I don't mind leashing my dog. I think what pissed me off the most was asking my birth date and the lecture.  I was probably older than him.  Looks can be deceiving.  I've run into that with cops before.  I look like I'm twenty-four so when they pull me over they act all bad ass, and then when they return my license there's a note of respect in their voices, like they hadn't realized I am old enough to be their mothers.  They lay off the "You dumb kid" attitude and adopt a more "I can actually relate to you because you're an adult" demeanor.  I kind of wanted to ask him if he needed Tess' name and birth date as well.  I asked him if he really needed my birth date.

"Yes, ma'am."

Oh, cut the ma'am.  Seriously, it's so patronizing. Especially when they think I am still only twenty-four.   Do I look like a "ma'am" to you?  Yes, as it turns out, I'm old.  Thanks for rubbing it in.

I should have lied.

I wonder what would have happened if I'd started singing the International Friendship Song?  I think one needs two other siblings to really drive that song home and sufficiently drive a law enforcement officer up a wall, but Tess and I probably could have pulled it off.  I'm sure I would have ended up in jail.  Can you imagine that phone call?  "So, hey, there, person I called from jail.  Can you come bail me out?  They arrested me after I was caught walking my dog off leash and I tried to get away with it by singing the International Friendship Song."

I've been watching way too much Animaniacs.

You're just asking for trouble asking a woman her age.  My cop friend did tell me later that yes, they do need your birth date when you are caught breaking such a serious law because they have to check if there are any warrants out for your arrest.

Well, of course.  I am a dangerous criminal.  I have my license plate sticker in the wrong corner of my license plate.  I go five miles per hour over the speed limit past the library on a deserted road.  I let my well-behaved German shepherd run off leash.  Yes, these are all infractions I have been busted for.  I am a rebel.  I am crazy.  I'm amazed they haven't locked my punk ass up yet.

They might if this blog ever goes viral.  There is nothing cops hate more than a smart ass.  Probably why Yakko, Wakko, and Dot are always getting chased by that security cop.

My cop friend is a smart ass himself, and he's the one who put a Glock in my hands, so really, are cops always playing with a full deck?

Anyway, I was totally expecting to get busted eventually.  I'm not really mad about that.  But in the space of a few weeks I got pulled over for barely speeding, having my license plate sticker in the wrong corner of my plate, and running my dog off leash.  I had a friend who had our resident lady cop pull up behind her at the gas station for speeding and ask her if she did that often. My friend said, "What, pump gas?  Yes, every day before I go to work."  The lady cop was horrified that my friend was aware of her rear radar and still had the nerve to speed.

They just haven't had much to do lately and we've had several new ones come into town, looking for any reason to pull someone over and prove themselves.  This is small-town Wyoming.  I hate to break it to the rookies coming in, but nothing happens here outside of the occasional drug bust (because that's how bored people are).  It's utopia. The cops are just bored and they are taking it out on us placid citizens who aren't really doing anything to endanger the public.  I mean really, there is a registered sex offender across the street from my house creating tattoos for morons (and several of my ex-boyfriends, not that the two are mutually exclusive) probably without a license and the cops are bothering me.

Cops aren't on my happy list right now.  And Tess didn't even bound up to the animal control officer's truck when he stopped and try to climb in.  So obviously she didn't appreciate him interrupting her morning toilette.  Meanwhile my cop friend has the nerve to laugh every time I say something rude about cops.  Like he thinks I'm being cute or something.

At least he hasn't called me "ma'am" yet.

Cops are actually really not that bad.  I just feel like lately they have it out for me. Again like attracts like, and my miserable, law-breaking attitude is obviously attracting the cops.  Plus, I still think they are jealous of the fact that I have this amazing, beautiful, intelligent German shepherd who probably belongs in the K9 Unit and they just wish they had her.  I think they might be following her, gazing at her longingly.

I don't blame them.  If she wasn't mine, I'd be jealous too.

Me with a Glock


My vicious, crazy dog running loose by the river.  Look how happy she is!

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