Tuesday, January 17, 2017

To Breed or Not to Breed...

The idea of being a mother has been recently presented to me.

In the first place, I'm not even sure it's possible given my age and my hormone imbalances.  When I joined Match.com and Zoosk.com months ago, I put on my profile that I wasn't particularly interested in having children, though I would with the right person if that's what they wanted.  I also wasn't particularly thrilled about raising or helping to raise someone else's children.  Not because I don't like children, but because the problem with most children is their parents, just like the problem with a lot of pets is their owners.

I like my life the way I like it, and I know this about myself.  I'm too much of a control freak to have my life controlled by someone's babymama, which is why I generally steer away from dating fathers. The children should come first anyway, and I'm not very good at sharing.

I have had several conversations with friends in the past when they expressed an interest in getting a dog or cat but had all these stipulations and things they would not put up with.  That's when I stepped in and gently asked, "Are you sure you really want this pet?  A dog is going to pee on the floor occasionally and shed; a cat is going to scratch the furniture and make a mess in the litter box; and if you have so many friends visiting that are actually allergic to cats and you don't want them to be uncomfortable, then maybe a cat is not for you, even if you really really want one."

I myself get very, very tired of cleaning out litter boxes every day, but this is the life I signed up for, and I will do it.  A pet isn't really a living, breathing stuffed animal.  They do have needs and those needs need to be met everyday.  Sometimes fifty times a day, but I digress...

Animals are not here for us at our convenience, but when they become an inconvenience they should go away.

The same goes with children, and I have asked myself seriously, is this something I really want and am I willing to rearrange my entire life in order to best care for a baby?

I had pretty much resigned myself to a kid-free life.  When I first met California Guy, he was on board with that as well.  He seemed to have no interest in children, and punctuated this on our second date when he literally jumped sideways away from a child running at him as if he was afraid he'd catch something from it.

He told me later he just didn't want some strange kid running smack into his legs and getting yelled at for stranger danger.  From my point of view it just looked like someone completely horrified by children and avoiding them at all costs.  It was quite comical to watch, and the look of horror on his face was even more comical.

So imagine my surprise when recently he started making noises about wanting a baby.  Particularly wanting a baby with me.

I'm not anti-baby but I look at my brood of four and think, "How on earth is there room for a baby in this mess?"  Rehoming any of the animals is not an option.  I will not be one of those people that allows as soon as the baby moves in the dog moves out.  They were here first, they have shared close to ten years with me, and they are not going anywhere.

California Guy feels the same way about Surina, so this makes five animals; two adults; and one potential baby. 

I haven't even had the kid yet and I feel sorry for it.

My animals are so used to being spoiled rotten and being the center of the world, I'm not sure how they'd react to a baby.  As soon as there is a baby, the animals will automatically move on down the totem pole.  The baby will move into the spot of being the most needy member of the family, expecting the most instantaneous care, and Willow may not get her canned food right at five o'clock when she loudly demands it.

As for Surina, well she's screwed.  She's needy, pushy, and the worst attention whore, next to Willow, of course.  She will be banished from the couch, the bed, and the baby's room; she will not be allowed to sprawl across any laps while Baby is being held and fed, and I already told California Guy that I will not take kindly to her pushiness when I'm holding and/or carrying Baby.  I cannot have a pushy beast shove past me on the stairs and send me flying when I'm carrying an infant.  That can only end in tears, and possibly murder.  And I won't have her getting in my face when I'm trying to feed Baby either.

I also worry about the cats.  Percy and Willow will want to sleep in the bassinet.  They are obsessed with any new kind of sleeping spot, especially if it's soft and warm.  I love my pets and I don't believe that crap about pregnant women having to give away their cats because cats suck the breath from babies and other such nonsense, but I also know that it is not good to let the cat sleep with a newborn.  And especially not two cats.  I also don't want cat fur all over the baby's clothes and bedding.  That stuff itches me, so I'm not going to put a baby through that.

So now we are up to three animals having to dramatically change the way they live their lives.  No dog on the furniture, no cats in the bedroom or the baby's room, and definitely no animals around the baby while feeding or changing.  Mealtimes may come a bit later too, especially if I have to feed Baby and am momentarily incapacitated.

Also, pregnant women aren't supposed to clean litter boxes, and I'm a litter box cleaning Nazi.  If they don't get cleaned three times a day the cats will be PISSED, and I will suffer because I just hate dirty litter boxes.  That's why I clean them so much.

Puckett will sulk and disappear under the bed at the audacity of adding a tiny wailing human to the ensemble. I may never see her again.  She definitely won't appreciate being usurped as the "favorite."

I have a feeling Tess will be the only one okay with this.  She loves anything added to the pack and immediately becomes attached and protective of it.  I feel sorry for anyone going near that baby with Tess around.  She'd probably start tearing faces off.

So once again I seriously ask myself this question.  Is a baby conducive to mine and my pets' lifestyle?

Well, it's definitely not conducive to the pets' lifestyle since they believe that they are the center of the universe and my life is but to serve them.  It will be a rude wakeup call when something else moves in that demands to be even more the center of the universe, and is noisy and smelly on top of it if it doesn't get its way.  A little competition for Percy right there.

As for my lifestyle, I can adapt.  I just really don't think California Guy realizes what he's in for.

This baby is going to need therapy.

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