Monday, November 30, 2015

Bird Brain

I am thinking about getting a bird.

Obviously, because I don't already have enough codependent pets who are clamoring for my attention 24/7.

I'm not sure when the idea hit me.  I think it was sometime between realizing my life was a meaningless shell when I was constantly crying, and an intense drive to land myself in the insane asylum because if I actually do get a bird, that is where I should be.  It could have been that moment when I was at Petco, buying my cat's amazing cat litter (BEST LITTER EVER) and saw the adorable parakeets fluttering around in the display cage.  That might have been when the idea seedling began to sprout into full blown insanity.

The idea took on more power when I was at the grocery store the other night and locked eyes with what is possibly the most adorable baby I've ever seen in my life.  She smiled and cooed and waved her tiny arms and I went home and cried because I now know I will never have one of those for myself.  I am the eternal steward of animals.

Thus the bird.

I have cats and dogs.  Might as well mix it up a bit, and since I've already had ferrets and never again, why not?  Seems perfectly logical to me.

At least I'm not going off half-cocked and getting pregnant.  That stupid I'm not.

I have always wanted in the back of my mind an African Grey Parrot something along the lines of Alex, the one that could count and do math, but since I already have a dog who is smarter than I am, I really don't think acquiring the bird who is smarter than the both of us put together is such a hot idea. I'm not worried about such a bird being eaten by the cats.  I'd be more worried about coming home from work one day with the African Grey out of its cage and somehow having manged to put all three cats IN the cage, and possibly in the oven.

Having taken the ""What is your Ideal Pet Bird" Quiz my top three choices are the canary (woo-hoo, I'm not as out of touch as I thought as that was exactly what I was thinking about if I ever seriously went through with this!); the parakeet (cute, cute, cute! and you can get them in GREEN!); or the lovebird (well, I really don't want TWO birds...).  My "What is your Ideal Pet Bird" asked such important questions as "Is this your first bird?" (yes); "Do you live in an apartment or house?" (technically it is a townhouse, so it's tiny); "Do you have allergies?" (yes, and the cats do too); and "Do you wish your bird to be able to talk?" (NO NO NO!).  Having answered all these questions truthfully, I was pleased to see my intuition for adding more useless pets to my household is still intact since canary showed up as number one and that might be all I can handle right now.

Truthfully, if I want something to fit right in with the rest of this rabble, my ideal bird should be a cockatoo.  Apparently these birds are so codependent that if they do not get your attention 24/7 they start pulling out their feathers and pine away to the point of having to go to the bird version of a shrink.  There are actual cockatoo shrinks out there hired to help these birds when they are mismatched with owners who don't consult with them for every minor decision (like leaving the house to run to Starbucks for five minutes).  I am smart enough to realize with the four nuts that already inhabit my house, another creature that desperate for attention is going to overwhelm me and they really will be carting me off to the Funny Farm. I not only will have cat paws on the laptop. I will have bird beak glued upside down to the screen while I type. Plus they are something called "powder birds" meaning they are bad for allergies and leave feather dust everywhere.

Just no.  I vacuum enough as it is.

The decision has not been made yet and of course I will go rescue if I decide to pursue this particular avenue of insanity.  My friend is on the board of the Dog and Cat Shelter and she said they get birds in all the time.  I have seen cockatoos there and also parakeets.  Cockatiels are nice birds too, lovey-dovey like cockatoos but maybe not quite so codependent.  Again, they are powder birds and that's not something I really want to deal with.  My biggest obstacle will be Willow, the eternal murderer. Tess accepts anything in the house as part of her pack.  Puckett could care less as long as it is understood that she is queen, and Percy just wants to play with everything.  As usual Willow is the wild card.

If I got an African Grey, it would be as big as her, so that would solve that problem.  A macaw is just out of the question.  I don't need something that big, that noisy, and that diabolical fluttering around my house.  I have cats that are diabolical enough.  Macaws are the assholes of the bird world.  My cats are the biggest assholes of any other cats so let's not put that together.

Meanwhile, I might have to go back to the therapist and discuss this sudden wish for a bird.  Do I really want to spend my days keeping the cats away from the cage and cleaning bird poo off the floor?  To say nothing of the fact that the Cowboy will yell at me for making him feel inclined to custom make yet another cage for one of my spoiled rotten pets.  I know most people think it might be cruel to bring a bird into a home with so many cats (I have a place they can't get to that would be perfect for a bird), but my cats really are pretty good about accepting new creatures into the home, even if it is a bird.  Like the dog, once they realize it belongs to the family, they don't bother stuff.  Well, all except Willow, and she's confined to a cage herself a lot of the time.  At any rate such an addition would cause plenty of drama.

Fodder for the blog.  When things get dull, shake them up a bit so you have something to write about.

I probably won't go through with it.


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