Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Your Cat May Be Codependent If...

Codependency in cats is easy to spot because most cats conduct themselves with a general air of "Screw you and the horse you rode in on" with absolutely no regard for the feelings of others.  It's all about them.  Most cats seem to walk around with a perpetual middle finger raised.  With codependent cats, it's all about them too, but it has to be all about them with the caveat that you cannot leave the room, ever, or they become completely dysfunctional.  How can you tell if your cat is codependent?

1.  The codependent cat will only use the litter box when you're in the house.  If you happen to have a full time job or just leave for a weekend (this is ill-advised because the codependent cat will be on the verge of collapse when you come home Sunday night) your cat will actually hold it to the detriment of his bladder until you get home, when he will fly to the litter box as soon as you sit down, preferably with your lunch.

2.  Your cat refuses to eat unless you are in the kitchen, standing right beside the food bowls, preferably holding the bag of food for immediate refills.  The codependent cat will also come find you, chirping her "Feed me" song until you go to the kitchen where you realize her food bowl is already filled to capacity, she just wanted company while she ate.

3.  Showering is a spectator sport.  If you have a codependent cat, learn to live with the fact that you will never shower alone again.  Privacy is out the window.  The codependent cat might even try to get into the shower with you depending on his bravery concerning water.  Remember, it is always your fault if he falls in and gets wet.

4.  Going to the bathroom, like showering, is also a spectator sport.  If the door is closed it will be forcefully banged open as the cat marches into the bathroom as if he has every right to be there.  The codependent cat will even try to get in your lap as you try to relieve your bladder.  If you lock the bathroom door for a few precious moments of privacy, paws will soon be seen in the crack under the door, beseechingly reaching out towards you, pads turned upwards in a desperate plea of "Why did you leave me?!"

5.  As soon as the toilet flushes, scratching can be heard in the litter box.

6.  As soon as you sit down to dinner/lunch/a snack with your favorite TV program, scratching can be heard in the litter box.

7.  As soon as your head hits the pillow after a long, late night of writing during which all three cats have been sacked out in a deep sleep, scratching can be heard in the litter box.

8.  Having finished eliminating, the codependent cat will run through the house like a herd of stampeding elephants, yowling and caterwauling, demanding recognition and praise for a job well done.

9.  As soon as you sit down and open your laptop to get some work done, there is a cat in your lap with paws on the keyboard.

10. When you get up from the couch to grab a snack or to pick up a piece of lint on the carpet, your codependent cat will immediately slip into the exact spot you were just sitting in, regardless of the size of the couch.

11. The codependent cat cannot function or get any exercise while you are out of the house, thus developing a reputation for laziness.  As soon as you get home, tired and crabby from a long day wanting nothing more than a quiet moment of rest, the codependent cats will start fighting or chasing each other through the house, making as much noise as they can.

12. When the codependent cat thinks you've been asleep long enough, he will race through the house once again like a stampeding elephant, always making sure the bedroom is the main stop for each lap.  If banished from the room with the door shut, the codependent cat will then sit just outside the door and make extremely sad, pitiful noises as though he has just found out his favorite brand of catnip has been discontinued.  

13, The codependent cat will only sleep comfortably on the bed if you're in it.  She will get as close as she is allowed, preferably by your side or on the book you're reading.  Sometimes it's easier to just sit on your face.

14. If your codependent cat's wishes are ignored (like you're not spending 23 hours a day with her or you walked by her without stroking her) she will let you know of her displeasure by foregoing the litter box and leaving her offerings in a shoe.  Most likely your best and favorite shoe.  If she can fit, she'll leave it in your Uggs so that you won't see it until you attempt to put your foot in.

15. The codependent cat is always thrilled to see you so he or she will greet you at the door as soon as you walk in.  Likewise the codependent cat does not appreciate you leaving the house, ever, so he or she or all three will attempt to trip you on the way down the stairs so that you sprain your ankle and can't leave the house for several weeks.  This is all part of a greater plan to keep you bedridden so they can surround you with their love and purrs and make you just as codependent as they are.  After all, can you really imagine your life without them?

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