Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Kissing Frogs to get to the Prince

I'm going to take a break from the pets this week and focus on a different kind of animal:


You heard me.

For one thing, the pets are not very interesting.  It's been too hot to hike so Tess hangs out on the front porch panting, or else she flops in her tub of water.  Puckett spends her days sacked out on the bed, snoozing.  When she's not doing that, she's yakking on the floor because she eats too fast.  Willow hangs out by the open back door in between stuffing her face and clawing me every time I try to brush the mats out of her.  Even Percy is subdued.  He lies around on the floor a lot, completely stretched out on his side, looking dead.  I poke him sometimes to make sure he's still alive and get the "shitty look."  When he's not doing that, he's having his usual Irritable Bowel Syndrome and leaving nastiness on the floor.  For the most part, the little darlings are asleep in a patch of sunlight.

Meanwhile I have never had so many interesting experiences as when I joined Match.com and Zoosk. This was at the recommendation of my therapist and Evan Marc Katz who swears the more one dates, the more likely she is to find a "sensible partner."  Not "the One," mind you.  He doesn't believe in "the One," just someone a gal can spend her life with without wanting to kill him on a daily basis.  I guess in other words, someone who doesn't make a gal want to throw up every time she sees him naked.  Thanks, Evan.

Not a glowing endorsement of marriage I suppose.  My notions might be way too romantic.  I come from a couple who, at seventy-something, still make people sick.  The way they met should be a black and white movie starring Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman.  My mom sort of looked like Ingrid Bergman when she was younger.  My parents met on a train.  My dad is a train fanatic.  They sat opposite each other and my dad kept peeking over his newspaper to watch my mom in the reflection of the mirror.  Eventually he struck up a conversation.  When they both got off the train he asked for her number.  Then he lost her number, but he remembered where she worked so he looked the number up in the directory and called her at work to ask her out.

They've been married over forty years.  Serendipity?  I think so.  The train was a nice touch.

My romantic history consists of an abusive asshole; a sociopath; a drug-dealing felon; an emotionally constipated ranch cowboy; several flings; a twenty-three-year old dork who is going to be really awesome when he grows up; and a commitment-phobic Cowboy who adores me, does everything for me, but refuses to settle down in an actual relationship.  Those are the highlights. I know I've made bad choices in men. I own that. Sometimes I wonder if I'm relationship material at all since I seem to have trouble finding someone who wants to have a relationship with me.

As per the book:  They are just not that into me.

I own my part in why my relationships don't work out and have been taking steps to change things. For instance, not putting up with bad behavior and walking away when some jerk starts treating me badly. After some of my escapades, however, I cannot help but think that the bad behavior out there outweighs the good.  I have met some lovely men online, and after a couple of dates or even one date, it was clear there was no connection or chemistry and we parted ways respectfully.  I have to say most of the men I went on a first date with have been pretty nice and respectful.  I have no complaint of these men. The ones that amaze me are the ones I don't even go out with.  There's the guy who sent me one email that merely said "Hey, sexy!"  I know every woman on these sites gets that one and I just wonder.  What kind of a guy thinks it's a good idea to send out multiple "Hey, sexy!" messages to random girls just to see who will respond?  What is he trying to accomplish?  Obviously this guy is not looking for quality.  Or even a real woman.

One profile showed up in my matches starting with "Experienced dom looking for new sub."  It then proceeded to explain just how experienced of a dom he was and what exactly he was looking for in a sub.  There are sites out there for that kind of thing, specific BDSM dating sites geared towards that kind of an interest.  If one is cruising Match, they are probably not going to have a whole lot of luck finding someone willing to be a "sub."  This person has a specific lifestyle and is interested in finding someone with the same tastes.  He'll have more luck on a BDSM site, and I'm still not sure what it was in my profile that prompted Match to think it was a great idea to throw him into my "Daily Matches."  Maybe I just come across as a masochist because I'm online dating?  Or just dating in general?

I was highly entertained by the guy who emailed me a few times, then asked for my number so he could ask me out.  He was close enough that there was absolutely no reason we couldn't meet for coffee in an afternoon.  He texted a few times.  Then he sent me the ever-popular "So you have any more pictures?"

Nope.  No, I do not.  If the pictures on my profile are not good enough for you, I don't know what else you want from me other than nudes, and that's not going to happen.  I have several recent head shots, a couple full body pictures in cute outfits, and I am smiling in all of them. Everything I present in my profile is the truth.  I'm not lying about my weight, my height, or even my age.

I just don't understand why a man would text a woman he has never met, asking for more pictures when she's already posted several perfectly good ones on her profile. I get that he might be worried that I don't look like I've presented myself, but at the same time, we are close enough to meet.  So if coffee doesn't go well, that's why it's coffee. It lasts an hour and then we part ways. I can even pay for my own coffee if a guy is that worried about having to spend an hour with someone who doesn't live up to his visual standards.  I was not disappointed when he never contacted me again.

There's a guy I was sort of seeing in town who's been a friend of mine for awhile.  Boy, is he a fart in a skillet.  We had a few drinks one night. He texted me every day for a week.  Then he asked me to dinner so I went to his house and he cooked dinner.  I thought we had a good time. Haven't heard from him since, and he's supposed to be a friend of mine.  That's fine, he probably decided he wasn't that interested after all, but here's my beef with that one.  First of all we've been friends long enough. One would think he'd have figured that out sooner, and he could have just told me he's lost interest too.  Second of all, it seems like these guys can't get enough of me for a week, and then they just lose interest.  Or they work and work and work to get my interest, and as soon as I start falling for them or get a little interested, they run like a pregnant racehorse who needs to pee.  I'm beginning to think these guys really want is the chase. If I actually agree to go out with them it's no longer fun.

I met this beautiful man online who's profile was as well-written as mine.  He was handsome, nerdy, referenced Pride and Prejudice and the Princess Bride, and the title of his profile was "Knight Looking for Queen."  That should have been my first red flag, but I fell for it.  I liked his profile, he emailed me, and we texted for about a day all about comic books and superheroes and geeky stuff like that.  Then he disappeared, just stopped texting.  My crime?  He sent me a picture of Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer with a chain around his neck. I said while I love Spike, I don't care for the bondage thing.  His last two texts were extremely short and curt and that was the end of that. Apparently there was more than one dom looking for a new sub.  At least the first guy was upfront about it.

The texting thing drives me insane.  I will connect with someone on the site, exchange a few emails, and they will ask me for my number. I figure, okay, let's talk on the phone and meet.  No sense in wasting more of each others' time if it turns out we don't like each other.  But, no.  They want to text. And text.  And text!  All day long.  All night long.  Just constant back and forth bullshit conversation that gets boring and old really fast.  Why would someone invest so much time texting someone they haven't met yet?  Why go through that?  Also, don't these men have jobs?  Who the hell has time to text constantly all day long?  I mean, I work for a living.  I'm culpable too, as occasionally I fall into the trap myself and instead of cutting these guys off, I indulge their text-apaloozas.  I need to get better at setting boundaries.  They can send me a text along the lines of " Hi, it's __________ from _________" and "Is now a good time to talk? Can I call you?'  That's it.  Anything else makes me think he is a thirteen-year-old girl.

On that note there is yet another one who texts me every couple of days and the conversation goes like this every time:

Him: Hi.

Me: Hello.

Him: How are you?

Me: I'm fine.  How are you?

Him: Good.

Crickets afterwards.  For God's sake, ask me out or leave me alone. He lives in my town!  I need to scrape up the balls to say this.  I'm being too nice and once again indulging bad behavior.

To be fair the twenty-three-year-old texted me for four months before I finally got sick of it and told him one night that I was going to see the Minions movie the next day and he was welcome to join me. He asked if it was a date.  I said maybe, or maybe all my friends are lame and backed out.  He replied to that with a wink and "It's a date."  I asked him later if he was ever going to get around to asking me out had I not suggested meeting at the movie, and he told me that sometimes a guy doesn't know if a girl will say yes when he asks her out.  I will allow for being twenty-three here.  I told him for future reference, if a girl spends four months replying to a dude's texts, chances are she will say yes.  However, it is the dude's job to grow a pair, sack up, and actually ask.  The chances of a girl saying "Yes" go way down the longer he fiddle -faddles around.

Speaking of texting, I had one who is, what my girlfriend likes to call, a stage-five clinger.  He had trouble understanding boundaries.  We'd never met, but for awhile he was texting me things that a boyfriend would text.  He kept saying stuff like how after we meet and have been together awhile we'll have this amazing relationship and he was sure we'd have beautiful babies together.  Then he pushed for us to meet while I was in his city, visiting another girlfriend.  I told him that I was with my friends for a weekend of shopping and martinis and girl time, it had been planned for awhile, and I was not going to ditch  my girls just to meet him.  I'm too nice, I should have just cut off contact.  He kept pushing just for an hour, just to meet, he could meet us at the mall and my girls could go disappear in a store for awhile.

Uh, no.

He continued to text me throughout the weekend which I ignored.  Then he said something about being willing to drive us around as our DD.  I politely thanked him and said I would be driving.  What finally put me over the edge was a text that said "I hope you had a good day, sexy."  And I lost my shit.  I texted him back with  "We have never met so please don't call me that."  Instead of apologizing, he justified his behavior with "Oh, wow.  I was just giving you a compliment.  I didn't realize it would upset you."  The proper response to that would have been a respectful "I'm sorry."  I finally told him to buzz off.

I met another guy for coffee who, it turns out, works with the drug-dealing Felon's mother at the same high school.  He was a lovely man, I enjoyed talking to him, but I think he probably just couldn't after hearing that I dated the drug-dealing Felon.  He recalled a young man with naked women tattooed all over his forearms and probably immediately changed his opinion of me.  I haven't heard from him since coffee.  That was probably my fault.  But then, I just couldn't either when I imagined a conversation he might have with the Felon's mother:

Him: I'm dating this pretty librarian in the next town over. Her name is Anita!

Drug Dealing Felon's Mom: Oh, yes, my son used to date her!

Him: Um....really?  Your son with the naked ladies tattooed on his forearms?

Better we know now to avoid the awkwardness.

I dated a guy last summer.  He was an old friend, and a good one, or so I thought.  I spent a weekend with him, riding on the back of his brand new Harley, hanging out with his friends, boating on the lake, drinking, watching fireworks.  He asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend.  I wasn't sure if he was kidding.  Not to get too x-rated, but I'm here to tell you he was not worth the wait when we finally got together. It was definitely him and not me, as I had a girlfriend tell me later that I was not the first girl to report his very bad performance. He pretty much ghosted me after that, and then I found out that he'd professed his love to someone else two weeks after that weekend, proclaiming that she was "it."  Turns out she wasn't "it" as that relationship lasted two months before she apparently ran screaming for her life. She probably heard the reports.  I'm thinking he's just a chronic player and our friendship didn't mean as much to him as it did to me. 

My favorite one is still Mr. White Knight, the suitor who got between me and the rattlesnake a few weeks ago. He gets it. True, he moves slower than molasses, but honestly, this isn't a bad thing. He takes me on actual dates, calls or texts between dates to let me know he's thinking about me, and actually holds a conversation.  He may be shy, but he still has confidence so he's not fiddle-faddling around, using shyness as an excuse to be a pussy.  He's very gentlemanly.  He hasn't tried to get in my pants.  He's not bombarding my day with constant text messages because he actually has a job and a life.  This is a rare man.  He is a mythical figure.  Not only that, he's very handsome and has an absolutely lovely smile.  I'm so used to going on a first date, clicking with someone, and then having them all over me for two weeks before flaming out and disappearing, that I'm not quite sure what to do with this one.   I appreciate him because in a sea of complete bozos, this one gives me hope that there are still respectable, decent men with manners out there.  They are few and far between, but they're out there.  They are even nearby and believe me, I've had moments where I wondered if every man in the area has gross emotional problems.

I'm not saying he is "the One" (Evan would snort at me) or that he is my Prince Charming among the frogs.  I'm not jumping the gun here, as I have finally learned that taking one's time yields better results. And of course the difficulty in dating goes both ways. I have wondered why Mr. White Knight is still single given his looks and personality, but it has occurred to me that women probably behave just as badly on these sites as the men do. They can be completely nuts. I have a couple of guy friends with a few stories that made me ashamed of my own sex.  Among them are the lady in the primary relationship looking for a secondary willing to tie her up; the lady who gets off on asphyxiation; and the rather disturbed woman who wanted to dabble in bestiality with my friend's pet pig (I shudder to think of what she had in store for the cows and the pet sheep).  I'd say keep that gal away from Percy.

It's bad enough when a guy sends a woman he has never met a dick pic with "You like?" as the caption, but I think the gal with the porker fetish might top the list of bad behavior.  Or maybe just really deranged behavior.

Kind of makes me wonder: Who are the real animals here? The dogs and cats, or the humans?

Every little girl with an unrequited crush

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