How to Tell if Your Pets are Codependent: Big White Fluffy Dress

I really don't like weddings.

It's not that I have anything against marriage, or that I don't want people to be happy. I just feel like weddings have become an excuse for people to behave badly.

And spend an atrocious bunch of money.

Not all weddings, just some.

I have never been one of those little girls who dreamed about her wedding day, and what would her dress look like, and what kind of shoes, and what colors, and what kind of flowers? I always assumed I'd never get married, would never have a wedding (unless I married my house, like that nutty woman in Indiana several years ago), and it just didn't matter.

Suddenly I'm engaged and I don't know what to do.

I've been engaged for about a month, and it's the weirdest thing. Engaged ladies are supposed to run around with perpetual smiles on their faces, flashing their rings to anyone who will look, rabidly pawing through bridal magazines, and planning every inch of their upcoming nuptials.

We don't even have a wedding date yet. When people ask "When's the wedding?" I just stare at them blankly.

THEM: Have you started dress shopping?"

ME: I have to wear a dress?

THEM: What colors are you picking?

ME: Colors? Isn't the dress supposed to be white?

THEM: When are you thinking? Spring? Summer? Fall wedding?

ME: Does it matter? Won't I be on the beach?

THEM: Do you have flowers picked out?

ME: I like daisies and daffodils.

THEM: Oh, honey you can't use wildflowers at the wedding!

I am the world's worst future bride.

A friend of mine suggested I go on Say Yes to the Dress, and I think that's a fabulous idea, because I really need the help of Randy, the top consultant. I'll get on the show, and he'll look at me, and just say, "Oh, honey, honey, honey. You are hopeless. Let's see if we can't find you something."

If he can help this clueless train wreck, then he really deserves the title of "Bride Whisperer."

I did look at the application and one of the questions was, "Why do you think you'd be fun to watch on TV?"

My answer? Because I'm a clueless idiot who never thought she'd get married, never thought she'd need a wedding dress, doesn't even like weddings, and knows nothing about planning a wedding. I'll look like the bumbling country bumpkin from Wyoming, and everyone can make fun of me for my cluelessness. It'll be entertainment to the max. "Hey, just check out this airhead on Say Yes to Dress! Randy's banging his head against the wall!"

I think the problem is that I never actually expected to get married. It never occurred to me in a million years that someone would actually ask me to spend the rest of my life with them and hand me a ring. The week after the proposal, I didn't have the ring as it was being resized. When I got the ring back, it spent a day in the ring box because I forgot I had it. Then I put the ring on, and kept staring at it like an alien had landed on my finger.

Actually, it's a beautiful ring. It's white gold with a small diamond, surrounded by two smaller diamonds. I'm thinking of switching the smaller diamonds out with emeralds. The style is simple. California Guy thinks the diamond should be bigger, but I can't carry a big stone.

I guess I can't carry a stone at all, since diamonds have never been this girl's best friend. I just figured I'd never get one, so why think about it?

It's not that I don't want to get married. I just don't know how to do it. I don't even know how to be engaged, so how will I ever be able to figure out how to be married? I'm not a spotlight kind of person. I'm not into being the center of attention. This is why I haven't gone around flaunting the ring, or gabbing a mile a minute about wedding dress shopping to anyone who will listen. I hate being noticed. People see the rock on my hand, and they're like, "Oh, how beautiful! When's the big day?" And I stare at them like they've just informed me they are going on tour with Marilyn Manson.

California Guy is all about the justice of the peace. Why not, he's already been married. He's already had a wedding. He's about as into the dog and pony show as I am.

I figured eloping was my speed. Run off somewhere, grab a stranger as a witness, and just get the whole thing over with.

Then, at the urging of a friend, I looked at some pictures of wedding dresses.

I guess there's a little Cinderella Princess in all of us. I suppose there is no harm in trying on dresses. There's no harm in wearing a wedding dress even if we elope. There's no harm in enjoying the ring either, and gazing at it's sparkly beauty, which I've noticed I've started doing more and more.

And I do get wedding cake.

I could fill out that application for Say Yes to the Dress, too. I'll never get on there, but if I do happen to be picked, I could definitely use Randy's help.

I'll never be a bridezilla, but I am getting more used to the idea of being engaged.

And I suppose maybe there is a small part of me that wouldn't mind feeling like a princess for a day. Maybe weddings aren't so bad after all.