In a World of Shit

There is a line from Sex and the City, where Carrie is telling Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte all about how Mr. Big called and left a message on her machine while she and Aiden were in bed (this was the second time around with Aiden, post "cheating on Aiden with Big" storyline).

Samantha has a lot of opinions about Carrie just ignoring it and forgetting it ever happened, and not to try to talk about it with Aiden.

Then when Charlotte mentions she is quitting her job in order to pursue having a baby with her husband, Samantha cuts in with," Well, be damn sure before you get off the Ferris Wheel, because the women who are waiting to get on are twenty-two, perky, and ruthless."

To which Carrie replies, rather huffily, "You seem to have a lot of opinions today."

That was me the other day. I have a lot of opinions and judgments about things that are probably not my business and make me seem like a very nasty person.

For instance: I just cataloged a book compiled by Beau L'Amour called "Lost Treasures," which is essentially a collection of Louis L'Amour's unfinished manuscripts and lost notes. L'Amour is a well-known, best-loved western author with many contributions to the world of books. I myself have never read any of his novels, but I know he has a ton because we have them all in our collection. Upon cataloging this book, my first reaction was not, "Oh, that's cool, more material for L'Amour lovers." No, my reaction was, "This is a terrible thing to do to a writer! Why would anyone in their right mind take someone's unfinished work and notes and put them together to publish and sell for the general public to read? I would die if anyone ever looked at any of my first drafts or beginning work."

Second thought was, "Anything to make a buck off Dad, eh, Beau?"

Not a very generous thought, I admit. I'm still horrified that anyone would do this to a writer. Beau was probably just trying to honor his father. Or something, I don't know. But really, Beau, not every piece of writing should see the light of day.

It's sort of like publishing someone's journal or diary.

Another example: Me bursting out laughing and basking in a glow of schaedenfreude when I read about the Drug Dealing Felon getting arrested and picked up by the cops in the weekly police reports. I had a few choice words about karma being a bitch, people deserving what's coming to them, and pieces of trash in general, and I admit. It didn't make me sound like a very nice person, and what's worse, I didn't, and still don't feel bad about it.

Then there was this thought: There is a special circle of hell for people who let their dogs shit wherever they want (particularly on my walkway at the foot of my front stoop), and if it happens again, I'm getting the arsenic.

I'm kidding of course. I have no idea where to buy arsenic, I would never ask, and I would never poison a dog anyway. That's mean.

That of course didn't stop me from grumbling to myself about the irresponsibility of pet owners who just let their animals wander the neighborhood, going wherever the hell they feel like it. Like I don't have enough shit of my own to clean, now I'm cleaning the neighborhood dogs' shit as well? Are you kidding me right now?

And do people who allow this of their dogs not stop to think for a moment that what they are doing is just insensitive, rude, and self-entitled? Are they too busy sitting inside eating bonbons and watching soaps that they just cannot be bothered to put on their snow boots and jacket and go outside with the damn dog? Yes, there is about a foot of snow on the ground, but for cripe's sake, if you are going to own a pet, take care of the pet.

See? I have a lot of opinions.

I just hate dog people anymore. The situation is deteriorating into me not really caring for dogs in general anymore. I don't like any dog but my own. And she is essentially a robot. She's a push button dog. And a mind reader. I have zero issues with this dog now that I no longer load her into the car to drive two hours to visit California Guy. Well, she is getting sick of the below zero weather and it's making her a little cabin crazy, but otherwise, Tess is about as perfect as a dog can get.

I don't know what it is about dog owners these days that makes them believe that their precious poopsies are so adorable that everyone and anyone should be subjected to them. I remember one afternoon I spent scooping shit along the walking path by the river a block from my house because some people hadn't bothered to pick up after their dogs. Not just one person. SOME people. The entire walking path was bordered by a parallel line of shit. I think I filled ten bags. And I cussed the entire time I was doing it too.

There was also the one year when the spring thaw revealed that someone's mutt had spent the entire winter shitting in my front yard, leaving several piles under the melting snow. Once again I was out there for the better part of an hour, scooping and cussing. I must have been overheard because that never happened again. And then those people moved away, and took their stupid dog with them.

Now some neighborhood dog is coming over and actually shitting on my walk way. It can't get into the actual yard due to the foot of snow, so what, it just decided to take a shit next to the car? and I'm not exactly sure which mutt it is, either, as it could be one of several culprits. I'm getting very tempted to just scoop up Tess' ginormous shit from my backyard, and deposit it in each possible culprit's yard.

That'll show them.

And is it bad that I secretly hope the damn dog goes and plays in traffic one day since my walkway isn't really that far from the street? Which leads me to my next opinion, if my walkway is THAT close to the street, then how irresponsible does a dog owner have to be to just let their dog wander around out there? I don't actually hope it will get hit by a car, but the truth is, it can very easily get hit by a car.

Besides, I thought it was against city law to allow one's dog to run loose in town.

Don't get me started on the abuse of "emotional support dogs" and the people who think they need to take their four-legged attachments everywhere. If I did that to my dog, she would be the one needing an emotional support animal. She gets anxiety leaving the house for any reason other than going for a nice long walk. Now granted some people need a service dog and they should have them. But I can tell the difference between a real service dog and one that is just a live security blanket being dragged over God's green Earth for the benefit of some self-entitled jackass. Real service dogs do not jump on my leg and try to hump it, and real service dogs do not yank at their leashes and practically drag their handler across a room in an effort to throw themselves at an unsuspecting person.

If someone is so emotionally crippled that they cannot set foot outside the house without a Chihuahua in a purse, then maybe they should look into some medication. Or therapy. Or move to Europe where it's acceptable to bring your mutt into a restaurant provided you don't allow said mutt to urinate on the buffet.

My dog isn't allowed to hang out at the table when I'm eating so why they hell would I want someone else's mutt drooling over at the next table while I'm out enjoying a meal?

Some people have the opinion that animals are so much better than people so those of us who don't like them out and about should just get over it and learn to "share the planet with other creatures." I agree with these people. Animals are so much better than humans. Sometimes I think the whole planet would be better off without the human race, me included. So let's start with these overzealous animal lovers who feel the need to inflict their fur babies and their poop on everyone else. Eradicate them from the Earth, because hey, animals are better than people anyway. I bet their pets would be happier.

I really don't dislike animals. I dislike most people who own animals. And yes, I am well aware that I own animals. And I don't dislike all pet owners. There are some very good, responsible pet owners out there, and I appreciate their efforts.

So in the words of Carrie Bradshaw, "You seem to have a lot of opinions today."

Yes, I do. But I've had it. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore. If people cannot be bothered to pick up their dogs' shit, then they have no business owning a dog. If you don't like the idea of cleaning up waste, then don't get something that generates it. If I don't think I'm too good to clean up my pets' poop, then you aren't too good either.

Poop is a part of life. Deal with it, and clean up after your pets.

After all you wouldn't let your kid go squat in someone's yard, would you? And if you did, I could have you arrested.

I think I've earned some wine and chocolate these last couple of weeks.