Oh, Joy!

 I think Joy is trying to kill me.

She will either slowly drive me crazy, or she will murder me on a walk one day when she goes after the wrong dog.

I was walking the gang one day and this dog was just hanging out in his front yard, minding his own business. Two ladies were there with him. It's not like the dog isn't allowed to be in his front yard. Everything would have been fine had he not decided to trot down to the sidewalk for a sniff.

Instant meltdown.

Joy pulled the leash out of my hand, chased the dog into the street, and knocked me down in the process, causing a tangle of the leashes attached to Kira, Colleen, and Murphy. One lady asked if Joy was going to kill her dog. No, they were just playing in the street. The other lady asked me if I was all right as I must have been a sight sprawled out on the ground with dogs all over me.

Yes, fine. Excuse me, I am now going to go home and murder my dog.

Joy is extremely dog reactive. Once she's allowed to sniff the dog and play with it, she's fine. But until then she looks like she's ready to kill something, and I guess I'm the closest target. She's not aggressive at all, she just freaks out.

Another time I took Joy out on the bike. She's usually pretty good. It's easiest to exercise Joy and Kira separately. Kira is great and just runs alongside the bike until she's worn out. Joy is, well, Joy. Lately she's taken to chasing rabbits, and since she's so dog reactive I get a little nervous. If she's following the bike she's usually okay.

Until one day.

There we were, flying down the walking path a block from my house. The wind in my hair, pedaling away, no cares in this world. There is nothing more freeing than riding a bike (well, maybe a horse, but I'm terrified of horseback riding). I can't believe it took me so long to learn. I kept thinking how I wish I'd learned sooner because Tess loved to chase the bike and she would have loved it more when she was younger, but hey, now I have Joy and she's benefiting so much!

And then Joy just...stopped. That dog can stop on a dime, like a rodeo horse. She stopped, squatted, and the bike and I just kept going. My bike jerked to the right and I went ass over teakettle right into the embankment next to the river. I'm lucky I didn't go INTO the river. It was pretty high at the time. It had done nothing but rain for over a month and the river was moving fast. I had visions of me and my bike being swept downstream while Joy looked on, taking her dump. Probably waving a paw. Maybe even flipping me off with her tail, like, "Ha ha, now I'm loose, and I don't have to be attached to you with this stupid leash anymore, loser."

It would have been fine had I just tumbled in the grass, but my knee hit the walking path and I managed to brace myself with my hands in the grass.

The resulting bruise on my right knee was beautiful. It took over two weeks to heal, and every day it turned a different lovely shade of blue or purple, surrounded by a red patch and decorated with several scrapes. My shoulder caught a scrape too, and I had a bruise on my left ankle from where the bike pedal hit, and another one on my left calf, plus scrapes on my hands.

My right knee still hurts when I kneel down to play with Murphy, or when I kneel to get into bed.

I'm lucky I didn't hit my head, because yes, like an idiot, I didn't wear my helmet. I didn't think I needed it. We weren't going very fast, Joy usally just trots along beside me, and I know how to fall. I fall a lot from just being clumsy. I fell down the stairs once when Murphy tripped me. Another time I lost my balance on the stairs and slammed my left arm into the wall to protect Colleen, who I was holding at the time. She was fine. I had another bruise on my arm that bloomed colors about the same time my knee was starting to heal.

Maybe all of my dogs are trying to kill me and not just Joy.

Joy likes to scare the ever living wahoo out of me by randomly barking when it's all dark and quiet and I'm ready to fall asleep. Suddenly "Woof woof woof!" and all four dogs go barreling downstairs to slide into the front door where there is literally no one. And Kira has one of those barks that sounds like she's going to tear someone or something limb from limb. It's the pit bull in her. She doesn't bark often, but when she does she scares me and I live with her.

Joy hates the pit bulls next door, so when they are outside she whines and groans and barks and makes cow noises in protest of their existence until I've been driven completely bananas. I've called her a cow out in the clover before because she just about moos. That's a joke because of my mother. There's a Swiss expression that essentially means "cow out in the clover," but it sounds better in German, and I think its an insult.

So I yell at Joy when she moos like a cow out in the clover, and then she paws at me with a front paw almost like she's taking a punch. Like, "Shut up, human I'm going to protect you from these dogs."

Thanks. If I actually tossed her over the fence, the AmStaff from next door would probably just eat her. Joy is a sixty-pound German shepherd with an omega complex. There is no way she'd win that fight.

Sometimes I wonder if Joy was hired by someone (my ex maybe) to take me out. It's a miracle I'm still alive with this beast in my life. It doesn't help that she looks extremely wolfish with her black markings and large ears. She's beautiful, but if you didn't know what a weenie she is, you'd be terrified of her coming at you. 

Well, okay, the dopey look on her face isn't very terrifying either.

All that just adds to the deception I think. "Well, detective what do you think killed her?" "Oh, definitely this crazy looking house wolf."

"I think it was the cat." (Looking at you, Puckett).

Maybe national security should hire Joy to go in on our enemies. She can murder someone and make it look like an accident.

She really should work in search and rescue or drug sniffing as she has quite the nose. I can't help but wonder if we were up the mountains searching for lost bodies if she wouldn't just casually push me off a ledge too, and trot off to find some wolf pack to join.

I really wouldn't put it past her.

Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.