Crazy Cat Lady

Who was it that told me the official number of Crazy Cat Lady status was five cats?

 I have three cats.

But I do live at the end of the block, by myself, and my last date was in August.  I was told that I'm safe of Crazy Cat Lady because I haven't made it to five cats yet, but in reality I'm an almost 38-year-old woman who lives alone literally at the end of the block (I actually live on the corner of two streets) with three cats and a dog.  Maybe I don't need two more cats.

 Maybe the dog makes up for two cats.

Maybe Puckett could count as two cats, thus giving me four cats and a dog and hitting the magic number of five.

Let's not ignore the fact that my three cats really couldn't care less if I added two more cats because they are so laid back (well, Willow isn't, but really she just follows what the other two cats do).  So if I did add two more cats, they would probably just fit right in.

I've tried Internet dating.  It actually serves to depress me more.  Honestly it's just a way to get ditched by perfect strangers rather than people you actually know.  I'm not sure which is worse.  I mean get to know me before you reject me, you know?

Okay so in fairness I may have posted a picture of the cats...

Most of my suitors in the past have told me that my three cats are rather disturbing.  One even said I have too many cats and I would be just fine if I got rid of Puckett and Willow and just kept Percy (to a guy Percy is the "cool one").  Of course, these are the same idiots who requested that should something happen to me, they should be the ones I'd leave Tess to (but not the cats).  Yeah, right. Tess is spoken for if something does happen to me, and the only person she will ever go to is the Cowboy.  Incidentally, he'd take the cats too if I asked him.  Any guy who is willing to take what they consider the "cool pets" and leave my others to languish on the vine has no business even considering a relationship with me.

The nerve of them.  Like I'd leave my dog to some douchebag.

To assume that Percy and Tess are the only ones of the four that matter is to not understand my heart. I love all my pets equally and none of them are more important than the others.  Puckett is my soulmate cat.  Willow is, well, Willow, and who are these jackasses to say I should get rid of any cat anyway?  These guys didn't offer me a diamond ring or a commitment.  Besides one cat - ONE - was planned.  The other two just sort of happened.  I'm a bleeding heart.  They are beyond my control.  I ended up with Puckett and Willow because I'm a sucker and the Dog and Cat Shelter knows it.  They are trained for it.  They see one coming a mile away and start gathering up cats that have been at the shelter too long to unload on one such as me.  Would these guys ask me to unload two extra kids if I had three children?

Only someone headed towards Crazy Cat Lady status would compare cats to kids.  I realize rationally that it is not the same thing, but I've never had kids.  I love my cats even if I periodically want to murder them (not really).  Requesting that I unload one or two is just a douchey thing to do.

It's not that I wouldn't like to find someone. I date.  When someone shows an interest and asks me. I mean, I gave the twenty-three-year-old from last summer a chance, mostly because he was cute and didn't think there was something completely wrong with me when I invited him to go see the Minions movie. I was on eHarmony and the two most eligible guys I "met" were a really great-looking guy who NEVER stopped moving and lived in San Diego (that's a little far), and a sweet person who identified as gender fluid, wore white capris to work, and told me I had too many issues to date.  I'm still not sure exactly what gender fluid is, and if one is gender fluid does it matter if the person they date is male or female?

Anyway...

Clearly I am doing something wrong, at least according to all the relationship blogs I read as well as the fact that all of my exes ran screaming from me without really giving me a reason why.  According to Evan Marc Katz (ha ha, very funny, even my favorite relationship blogger is a Katz), if you are a serial monogamist who keeps attracting morons, the common denominator is you.  He's not wrong about that.  None of my exes have anything in common.  They don't even have similar physical builds.  I've dated a sociopath (I'm not kidding - totally textbook), a drug dealer, a couple of ranch cowboys (including the Cowboy), an Adonis-looking firefighter with zero personality, and a Luke Skywalker/Harry Potter looking dork with conservative roots. To say nothing of the chameleon who now thinks he's a Harley guy and rides around town with a scraggly beard down to his chest and a leather jacket that says "Lone Wolf" on the back (talk about your red flags).  After much self-reflection I've realized the only thing they all have in common is their emotional unavailability, and since like attracts like, imagine my dismay and horror when I realized that I'm the one who is actually emotionally unavailable.  The dating blogs are always quick to point out everything one is doing wrong and yes, I guess I am emotionally unavailable though that is one more thing I'm trying to work on.  What nobody tells you is how to fix it.  "Yes, you are an emotionally unavailable nightmare thus your perpetual attraction to morons, but unless you put in your credit card information so we can charge you $400, we're not going to tell you how to fix that."

Don't get me wrong, I like Evan Katz. He's smart and insightful.   I just can't afford him.

Turns out it's really hard to be emotionally available when one really has no idea how to do it with humans.  The animals are no problem, thus the dangerously close to Crazy Cat Lady status.  Also, as much as some of us would like to think it, men really aren't dogs and dog training techniques don't really work on them.  Believe me, I've tried.  My dog thinks I'm the best thing since doggy treats.  For some reason men just don't share her opinion.  Again according to Evan Katz, men want to be with women who make them feel good.  My dog feels good around me.  Especially when I take her for walks and give her doggy treats.  Men apparently do not feel good around me, most likely because I'm emotionally unavailable.  If I'm emotionally unavailable but don't know how to fix it, the only men I'm attracting are emotionally unavailable men, and of course my emotional unavailability doesn't make them feel good about themselves because I'm always feeling insecure about their emotional unavailability.

And round and round we go...

Cats are infinitely easier.

Dream Weavers

It dawned on me the other day that it has been months since I've seen any of my little friends wandering around my house, disposing of pests and bugs.  The last spider I remember removing from my home was Fred, my Bold Jumping Spider of two years ago.  I'm sure there might have been one or two since, but I really haven't seen a lot of spiders lately.  My house used to be crawling with the little buggers - and before you swear up and down to never set food in my house, remember that most of them are small, they rarely allow themselves to be seen by guests, and a few of them meet the fate of being a cat snack should my furry darlings get to them first.  Mostly they live under the front porch, in the back yard, and in my crawlspace.  They never bother me, they never bite, and we usually coexist peacefully with little drama.

I consider spiders to be good luck.  I fought against it for years, but I finally accepted the fact that they like me, I tend to attract them, and actually, they are my spirit animal.  Back when I still read medicine cards like Tarot cards, I always wished and prayed for something more glamorous like the wolf or the horse, but nine times out of ten I drew the spider.  Spiders symbolize feminine energy and creativity.  Contrary to popular belief they are not evil, nasty creatures that symbolize death and destruction with their venom and ability to suck creatures dry.  Spiders are patient and weavers of destiny and they can also alert one to one's darker side, to the negative aspects of their personality.

Sunday I spotted my first spider in more months than I can remember.  This pretty little guy was a Zebra Jumping Spider, a black fuzzy one with white stripes.  He was cleaning his fangs when I spotted him sitting on the glass of my kitchen window while I washed dishes.

It's always while washing dishes, isn't it, that I make eye contact with these little beasts?  First Fred and now Stripes.  Fred was cheekier though, feeling the need to hang out on my counter by the espresso machine as if waiting for me to offer him a cup.

I may come across as a nut, but I actually enjoy watching jumpers clean their fangs.  They resemble a cat washing her whiskers. Stripes ran his little front paws over his fangs several times, then lifted those two legs almost fastidiously while he twitched his fangs. He almost put me in mind of Sir Percival Blakeney from The Scarlet Pimpernel when he'd take a bit of snuff from the movie starring Anthony Andrews, Ian McKellen, and Jane Seymour Then he ran his fore paws over his fangs again for one last polish before he crawled across the glass.  I think Stripes is a male because he's pretty small and the females are larger. Jumpers don't weave webs, preferring to hunt and stalk their prey.  The window must have presented good eating because Stripes was still there the next day, marching back and forth across the glass.  I poked his behind to see if he'd jump but he wasn't interested.  He wandered down onto the windowsill and crawled into the groove where the window slides to open.  Bugs do like to collect there so I figure there's a regular smorgasbord going on for Stripes.  I left him alone there.  I mean if he doesn't feel like jumping, I'm not going to antagonize him.

I prefer to think of the appearance of Stripes as a good omen.  The last year has been so miserable and I've done a lot of work on changing my attitude and changing my life.  Perhaps the spiders disappeared for awhile because I've been such a miserable cow.  The cats and Tess have no choice, they're stuck with me.

I've developed some new habits like performing Pilates everyday (the cats love this because they like to join in), eating healthy, writing every day, and thinking positive thoughts.  Some days I have to force myself to lighten up and think thoughts of gratitude rather than dwell on negative thoughts.  Little by little I see positive changes and things I call small successes.  I've been offered several interviews to jobs I've applied for.  It always feels good to get an interview even if ultimately I don't get the job (and truth be told I would have turned those jobs down anyway).  I've been working on revisions for my novel and exchanging my writing with another author, sharing ideas and giving each other feedback.  I've taken some writing classes.  I cleaned out my closet and dumped unnecessary clutter.  I've moved some stocks around and renewed my driver's license.  I bought myself a tea set for my birthday which is something I've always wanted.  One doesn't have to conquer the world to feel good about oneself, but one should give oneself credit for accomplishing the small successes.  Writing, knitting, quilting are my creativity.  Weaving stories for the characters I create feeds my soul.  I'm tapping into my feminine energy as well, trying to surrender more to what makes me a woman rather than closing myself off with walls and a million different locks because I've been hurt in the past.  And if this past year taught me anything it's patience - patience for good things to happen and faith that they will; patience to work on myself and fix what's broken inside me; patience for the love of my life who has yet to show himself; and patience for others who are struggling just as hard, closed in darkness and maybe fearing never to see the light.

Stripes is a good omen, and I don't care what anyone's personal feelings about spiders are. I believe they are good luck. Rather than fearing them we should take a moment to listen to what they have to tell us.  They just might lead us down the path to our destinies.

Isn't he cute?

Out with the Flu

My animals are not the most sympathetic when I'm sick.  It happens so seldom that when I actually do get laid up for a considerable amount of time, they just get annoyed with me for lying around like third base.

This last week I really got hit with a nasty one.  I don't get the flu or even colds very often, and when I do I'm out of commission for about two days before I start to make a recovery and am able to go back to work.  This last week, that was not the case.  It started last Tuesday around four o'clock as I was heading back to work for my evening shift.  By closing time my coworker was telling me to go home and drink some orange juice, and the Cowboy told me I sounded terrible.  The next day I called in.  I didn't feel completely horrible, so I figured I would be okay within a couple of days and back to work by Friday.

Nope, this bug kicked my ass and took a few names to boot.

Aside from the chills, the muscle aches, the extremely sore throat, and the fact that my skin hurts whenever I have the flu, the animals become extremely impatient with me.  Tess especially doesn't understand why I would stay home for three days and barely get out of bed.  She gives me that look like I'm some kind of lazy bastard intentionally ruining her day.  Luckily it was nice weather all those three days so she could just stay outside.  Unfortunately it was so nice that Tess was giving me the stink eye for having the nerve to be at home and not take her for a run.  In her mind, if I'm not at work, I should be taking her for long walks, especially when the weather is so nice.

There is no way to explain to the dog that when hit with the mother of all flu bugs one cannot drag oneself out of bed let alone outside.

The cats don't get it either.  Apparently I threw off Puckett's routine so badly on Wednesday that she rebelled by developing the habit of scratching for literally fifteen minutes in the litter box after doing her business.  I think she was trying to force my hand and get me out of bed.  She probably thought she was showing me, but honestly I was so out of it that I barely reacted.  Usually on a day off I'm up by eight o'clock cleaning litter boxes, feeding the cats, letting Willow out of her cage.  By nine I was still completely immobile in my bed and Puckett probably figured the longer she scratched, I would eventually have to get up.  Normally that would work if I was just being lazy.  When one is wishing for death to take her, something trivial like extended amounts of litter box scratching doesn't make a dent.  I drifted in and out of consciousness to the background music of "scritch, scratch, scritch...scratch, scratch, scratch..."  and on and on and on.

Percy performed his usual galloping through the house and caterwauling Wednesday morning which is what he resorts to when he just wants me to get my ass out of bed already.  I managed to drag myself out of bed to close the bedroom door on one of his rounds.  I was almost asleep when I heard him thunder back up to the bedroom door and pause.  It's just no fun to do the thundering elephant routine when the door is closed and I can't partake.  All was quiet after that until I woke up again around noon.  When I opened the door, three cats sat outside, glaring up at me.

Willow just avoids me.  Usually she gets up on the bed with me when I'm in it and she's not in her cage.  These last three days she gave me a wide berth like she thought my diseased nastiness would affect her somehow.  Oh, sure I just clean out her litter box and vacuum her cage daily, but she can't be bothered to come near me when I happen to be a little under the weather.

By Friday they all pretty much just ignored me.  As long as I kept the food bowls full and the litter boxes clean, they couldn't be bothered with my presence.

I can understand why the animals aren't sympathetic about my illness.  The litter boxes don't get cleaned as often, they get fed late depending on when I can manage to drag my carcass out of bed to fill the bowls, and I'm lying around the house rather than taking my poor deserving dog for a run.  No one gets any attention because it's all I can do not tear off my own skin and claw out my throat, and the last thing I want is furry critters hanging around in my face.  I'm one of those people who likes to be left alone when she's sick.  I don't like a lot of hovering and soup bringing and hand wringing, and that goes for the animals too.  They are welcome to hang out in the room with me as long as they are quiet.  But if they are going to get needy I'm just going to lock them out of the bedroom.  My pets are codependent anyway, so with them it's all or nothing.  Either they get ALL the attention or they are going to ignore me and punish me.

Between my pets and my friends who were more interested in constantly texting me the updates of all their dramas, I think the most sympathy I got from my round of flu was from the nurse at the Urgent Care Clinic, and my boss who was super understanding about me calling in three days in a row.  My mother felt bad for me too, but she's a mother.  It's her job.

By Sunday night, I lost my shit completely, dissolved into tears, and cried for two hours on the top step of my staircase. That freaked Tess out so badly that she forced her head through my elbow and tried to crawl into my lap.  Percy sat on my other side, rubbed against my side, and purred.  Puckett gave us all a look like we'd lost our minds, and Willow was already in her cage (to her relief, I'm sure),

It's nice to know when the chips are really down the animals come back around to their usual compassionate, loving selves and show some sympathy.  For awhile there, the consensus between them was to avoid me at all costs until I got my shit together and started acting normal again.

The pets are relieved to see that I am on the mend, going back to work, and on my way to being a fully functional member of society again.

Fantasy Pets

It's been a quiet week.  Other than Tess nearly mowing down a poor defenseless jogger, and Willow eating my tuna lunch one afternoon, the pets have been suspiciously well-behaved.  In her defense, Tess only mowed down a jogger because I was too busy picking up other people's dog poop to pay attention to the nice lady jogging my way.  By the time I noticed that Tess noticed her, it was too late. Tess was off like a shot, the lady covered her ears and nearly dropped to the ground in terror, and I have never run so fast or yelled so loud in my life.

When Tess mows people down, she really just wants love, snuggles, and kisses.  Most people don't mind.  Most people know dogs well enough that they don't feel threatened by her, and she rarely gets away from me anyway.  I thought this lady would pee her pants or cry.  She sort of looked like she was about to do both.  I managed to get a hold of my dog and apologize profusely to the jogger who probably will never set foot on that walking path again.

Probably a good move anyway since the entire length of it has a line of dog poop people have neglected to pick up.

Even I have to admit that the sight of a German shepherd barreling down on someone, tongue and canines hanging out, can be nerve-wracking to say the least for even the most devoted dog lover.

As for Willow, well, she has never gotten into my plate before.  None of my pets eat human food.  I guess when she smelled tuna that day and I left the container alone for a minute, she saw her chance and grabbed it.  Of course I had to throw it all out.  She was licking away and I know where that tongue has been.

Other than that, the gang has been really well behaved and that's when I start thinking about what other creatures I can add to the menagerie to spice things up again.  Not that I would actually.  Four pets are plenty and the last thing I need is another critter to clean up after.

My dream dog has always been a female German shepherd, and that is one dream I have realized and held on to.

I also have my black cat with big green eyes and fangs.

But other animals I've dreamed of owning are:

Papillon - there is something about these little dogs with butterfly ears that just melt my heart.  I've never really wanted a little dog, but I will always make the exception when it comes to Papillons.  I almost spent $1,500 dollars on one in a pet store, just because she was there and for sale.  I did come to my senses.  At one point I filled out an application to rescue one, but all the rescues are several states away and apparently Papillon lovers of the world do not feel like adopting out to Wyoming.

Pit Bull - I actually love these dogs.  They are diesel and look like Mack Trucks, but they are the sweetest-tempered creatures if raised properly.  I've never known a mean one.  My best friend has raised several and his are just big babies.  Like shepherds they just need the right kind of owner and they are awesome dogs.  And if you don't believe me, watch some Dog Whisperer.  I guarantee you'll fall in love with Daddy.  Also I'm a single woman, but if people saw me walking down the street with a German shepherd on one side and a Pit Bull on the another, I doubt anyone would mess with me.

Black Arabian Mare - I am by no means qualified to own a horse, let alone an Arabian.  But I love these horses.  They are high-strung dancers with pretty faces, and I've always thought that if I were a horse, I'd want to be an Arabian.  As for the color, well, I just have a thing for black animals, specifically horses and cats.

Abyssinian - these exotic-looking cats remind me of Egyptian statues and they can be taught to walk on a leash.  I would never buy one - I wouldn't even know where to find a breeder - but I've always wanted one of these cats.

Korat - I saw a pictures of these cats in a cat book when I was a little girl.  Their coats look blue or green in the right light and they have green or gold eyes.  They look almost metallic.  They are very unique and I've never seen one in real life.  The only thing cooler than having a black cat is having a green one.

Chinchilla - the cat not the rodent.  This will never happen as I am allergic to long-haired cats and again, there is no way I can afford one.  Kittens go for $2,000.  These silver-haired, green-eyed dream cats, however, are so beautiful, they remind me of angels.  Incidentally, I have a name picked out for my never-to-come-true dream cat and that is originally "Angel."

African Grey Parrot - and again I'm so original I'd name him Alex and teach him to count.  I also don't need a high maintenance bird who is smarter than me, so I will probably  never realize this dream, either.

Miniature Donkey - only because the Cowboy once threatened to buy me one for my birthday and when I looked them up - and then got to play with a couple at the zoo with my niece - I just fell in love.  Besides, that Arabian mare is going to need a buddy.

I'm interested in other people's dream animals.  What kinds of pets would you have and why if money or time weren't an issue?  Feel free to post in the comments!

Must Love Dogs

Today's post is provided by my good friend, Mary.  I hope you enjoy her contribution!

A little over twelve years ago, my life as I knew it changed. Drastically. My husband and partner of fifteen years, wanted out. As soon as I fully recognized that, I took my dog, Stella, and my cat, Posey, and we moved out. During the course of the divorce, getting settled in a new place and confiding in my parents more than I had in 15 years, my mom said something to me that startled me. She said something to the effect of my love for the animals, my love for the dogs.

While married, I lived on a working cattle ranch, which was a new experience for me (and that is another story); and as soon as I married, I inherited Holly and Jiggs. Holly was a black Lab and Jiggs was a mutt of a Lassie Dog. They were good dogs, had great manners; although not typical “cattle” dogs, they were of great help to Bill. They went to irrigate, fix fence, guard the hay bales as he put them on the sled and fed from it. They also would tag-team when killing a rattle snake. After ranch chores were done, Jiggs was my walking buddy.

As I said, my mom’s words and affirmation of my love for the dogs, surprised me. I had grown up with a “poodle-mutt” named Angie. We had gotten her when I was about five. She was black with curly hair.  My siblings and I wanted to name her “Jackie,” after our Aunt Jackie, who also had black hair. My mom said no, and so with my dad’s influence, we named her “Angie,” after the actress, Angie Dickenson. 

Angie would run the room when my brother would have his racing car track out. She would run to the window and bark at the mailman. She would show humiliation when her hair was cut too short, and hide in the closet for a couple days. She let my sister put ribbons in her “ears” and bundle her in a blanket. We loved Angie. She was a loyal companion to us.

And as we aged, so did Angie. For most of her life, she was our only pet. 

So when I married, I inherited these dogs, and adopted a cat, for mouse control. As I said, Jiggs would be a walking companion, and in the hills of Montana, where one could be scooped up and not heard from again, he was a blessing. When, he was finally old and put down by the vet, I went in search of another dog to be my walking partner.

The first prospect would be a beagle puppy I came across in Cheyenne with two little children named Ben and Amy. The beagle puppy didn’t make it home with any of us, and just as well. They like to run. Weeks later, my mom and dad would bring me a Corgi puppy! She was so small that she literally “jumped” over the blade of grass, and we all giggled. Her name was Abbey, originally after “Westminster Abbey” though I often referred to her as “Abba Dabba Doo.” She taught me what an alpha dog was like, and that she was far smarter than I would ever be.

A sorrowful accident with Abbey sent me to contacting Corgi breeders and I found Stella!...online. With the encouragement of a friend, I had her flown from Oklahoma to Denver. There she arrived in a little cardboard dog carrier, and everyone treated us like she was a new-born child. She was a bit of a mess, and as delightful as could be. She was petite, and wiggled her bottom like a belly-dancer. She was sweet, easy, fun, and obtained adoration wherever she went. Ten years and they were the best. Her passing, though traumatic, was still a blessing – I got to be with her. 

A month later, Ruby (another Corgi) would come into my life. She was looking for her “fur-ever” home, and I fell in love. She is similar though different from Stella. Fourteen months later, ten-year-old Roscoe, a dachshund mix, would need a new home. Together, these two dogs have filled my life with laughter, quirky humor and new lessons learned. They’ve taught me to be a “mom” again, with daily walks. Roscoe tells on his sister when she takes all the bones. I know they aren’t people, though they aren’t replaceable. 

I guess, I must love dogs.

Guest Blog:

by Mary McDougall, “Tail of Two Corgis.”

February 14, 2016

The Precise Moment When You Realize You Are All Out of F*cks to Give

I just love animals.  That, of course, is obvious, and the reasons are infinite.  Sure, they are cute and fluffy, they have big eyeballs and even bigger ears and whiskers all in the right places.  They love you unconditionally and do silly things like chase their tails and poop in the litter box as soon as you clean it.  

There is their compassion, their ability to show empathy even when they are being mistreated, and their capacity to love.  Animals have much bigger hearts than humans do.  

And one thing I realized today, they just don't give a fuck about anything that is not worth giving a fuck about.  

In the last few weeks I have worked hard to adopt a philosophy of not caring about stuff that doesn't matter and only drains the energy from me.  This includes people who have treated me badly, ex-boyfriends, strangers that give me the finger for going at a stop sign when it's my turn, bad tempers at work, bad attitudes at Walmart, the police officer who pulled me over for having my sticker in the wrong corner of my license plate (boy, if anyone ever needed to adopt the magical thinking of not giving a fuck about worthless shit, it's him), and people who get mad at me for saying that Luke Skywalker is my favorite Star Wars character.  Up high on my list of things not worth caring about is the Super Bowl.  I realize that is blasphemy, especially for people around here.  The Broncos played. It's practically a religion to root for the Broncos.

Apparently they won.

I couldn't care less.

I totally own that and for anyone who wants to judge me for it, I don't really give a rat's ass about that either.  Judge me all you want.  I enjoyed my afternoon walk with my dog Sunday just the same and the Super Bowl did not even manage a blip on my radar.  In fact, I rather like Super Bowl Sunday because it keeps the fanatics indoors, glued to the television, while I once again have the streets to myself to let Tess run loose.

If I could tack the kind of apathy I feel for the Super Bowl to other things that have drained my energy over the past year I would be in business.  I've managed to move in the right direction.  I've definitely let go of a lot of crap that just doesn't need to be taking up any more mental space.  Little by little it is changing my life.  I feel better.  I'm happier.  I do Pilates.  But I still have a long way to go.

It turns out my dog is inspiration for such thinking.  Watching Tess, I realized just how much she does not give a fuck about anything that doesn't matter.  Pee on a rock?  Give a fuck!  The assface that broke my heart and dropped me for a woman whose laugh resembles the yelping of a hyena?  No fucks given at all! Sniff a tree trunk?  Totally give a fuck!  I got rejected from those jobs I interviewed for?  Who gives a fuck?  To Tess, it's a nonissue.  She only cares what rock to pee on, what bush to sniff, whether her food bowl is full, and are we currently, at this moment, on a walk because that is like the best thing in the world and her excitement level each and every time never ceases to amaze me.  Who cares about Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani when Tess gets to poop in the snow?

And of course she gives a fuck about me.  Just as I care about her.  Truth be told, I care more about my dog than most people.  If someone wants to be a jerk and act like a dildo, I will happily go and spend the day with my dog.  She's much better company.

On Friday I played with seven German shepherd puppies at the library.  The lady who certifies service dogs raises shepherds and one of her dogs just had a litter.  Dogs are born with this ability to just not care.  They were seven Mini Me's of Tess.  They behaved just like her only on a smaller scale.  Seven puppies scampered around playing with the children that came for the program, chewed on the puppy toys littering the floor, and one even wandered onto the carpet of the room and relieved himself right then and there.  If a child held a puppy too long on his or her lap, the puppy squirmed and wiggled his way off the lap and pounced after a toy, completely oblivious about anything else.  Calling to them was waste of time.  If they didn't want to come because they were too busy playing with a toy, you might as well have been in Siberia for all they cared.  One puppy latched onto my sweater and started a game of tug of war.  Three more puppies saw this and thought "Hey, what a great idea!" and joined in.  Luckily I managed to disengage all of them before they ruined my sweater, but had they managed to tear it, they wouldn't have cared.  They just don't know any better. And what's more, they don't care.

Cats are the be all end all when it comes to not giving a fuck.  To them, if they have to give a fuck about anything, they immediately stop being cats and become something needy and pathetic which cats just do not aspire to be.  What's more cats are capable of not giving a fuck, being rude about it, and still not coming across as assholes.  For more on not giving a fuck while not being an asshole about it see The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck: How to Stop Spending Time You Don't Have with People You Don't Like Doing Things You Don't Want to Do by Sarah Knight.  As for cats, even if they did come across as assholes, they still wouldn't care.  Puckett is rather the queen of this, though Percy and Willow are getting quite good at it too.  This is why Percy takes a smelly, nasty dump in his litter box right in the middle of me eating my lunch.  This is why Puckett will terrorize and herd the dog around the kitchen, even after she has been reprimanded multiple times for doing so.  This is why Willow pees on the floor when she can't be bothered to use the litter box. They just don't give a damn.  If it seems like a good idea at the time, they will do it.  Reprimands be damned.  And when reprimanded the looks they shoot me let me know just how little they care about my opinion on just about anything.  They are going to do whatever they want and I'd better recognize.

Unless they want food, a scratch, or a clean litter box.  Then you better believe they care.

Here's a list of things not to give a fuck about as demonstrated by our animal friends:

• The Kardashians
• Donald Trump (and his toupee...and his big mouth)
• Celebrity breakups
• Reality TV in general
• People with negative attitudes
• Ex-boyfriends
• Rude motorists
• Who unfriended you on Facebook
• The people YOU unfriend on Facebook
• Facebook
• Internet trolls (and their bottomless well of nasty comments)
• That party you weren't invited to
• The gossip about you behind your back
• The gossip about you to your face
• People's opinions about you in general (you can't change them anyway, so who the hell cares what they think?)

Here's a list of things you should most certainly give a fuck about

• Your pets (and animals in general)
• Family (this includes children if you have them, your ailing elderly grandparents, and your spinster Aunt Ida - though certain behaviors, opinions, and actions I give you leave to not give a fuck about.  Just be polite about it.)
• Good, true, loyal friends
• Your job (though certain aspects you might not care about)
• Food (especially chocolate)
• Sleep
• Exercise 

Everything else is up to you to categorize as you see fit.  Things I give a fuck about may not be the same things you give a fuck about (the Super Bowl for instance and whether Luke Skywalker really is hotter than Han Solo).  But then again, who cares what I think?  And just so we are clear, Tess doesn't care either.  Neither do Puckett, Percy and Willow, and your pets, should you have any.

Let's all take a page from Tess' book and stop caring about useless things that we can't change.  All it does is clutter the mind and suck precious energy from the things we do enjoy.  Tess is always so happy on her walks because she truly enjoys that and she's not sitting around mooning over the fact that some doofus might not like her.  This is a much more appealing way to spend time.

Tess

Slow pet week, so here's a short story about Tess that I submitted for a short story contest.

“So do you want her?”

The shelter employee regarded me with an expectant expression and I glanced down at the sable bundle of uncontrollable energy bounding around the “Visitor's Room” at the Casper Humane Society.

“I just have a question about why she was surrendered,” I said. “Why did her previous owners give her up? I don't want a dog who is aggressive or vicious.”

“It was nothing like that. Let me check her surrender papers,” the employee said.

He handed me the leash and Lacy the German shepherd launched herself at me, wrapping her front paws around my waist before pushing off and attempting to dart around the room again. She circled the room several times, her nose in everything.

“Lacy, sit!” the employee commanded.

The dog ignored him completely.

The employee left the room and returned a few moments later with the dog's surrender papers. Under “Reason for Surrender” it said, “Digs holes in the yard.”

That was it?

“Why didn't the other people want her?” I asked the shelter employee. “The ones in line to adopt her before me?”

“We told them they could pick her up Wednesday after her surgery,” he said. “They asked what the surgery was for, and when they found out she was scheduled to be spayed, they changed their minds.”

That wasn't so bad.

“Oh, that's no problem for me,” I said. “In fact, please spay her before I take her.”

“So you want her?”

The shelter employee wore a mixture of hope and wariness on his face, sort of like the expression teenage boys wear when they ask a girl out, fully expecting to be shot down.

“I'll take her,” I said.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into. The employee obviously hoped I'd take her, but was afraid I'd change my mind when I realized my new dog behaved like a Tazmanian devil.

I had just bought my house and broken up with my long-term boyfriend all in the same month when I decided it was time to get a dog. I was in no rush. In fact I didn't have any intention of actually adding a dog to my household for at least a couple more months. I had a trip to Denver planned in a week and I figured it would take awhile to find the perfect dog. I always wanted a purebred female German shepherd. Since I also wanted a rescue, I thought if I started looking early, I'd find exactly what I was looking for eventually.

Female German shepherd rescues aren't just walking the streets to be picked up by new owners.

My second day of cruising Petfinder.com brought me to Tess – or Lacy, according to her profile on the website. She was a one-year-old female German shepherd, purebred with papers. It was earlier than I wanted to actually adopt a dog, but since she was two hours away in Casper, I thought I could at least call and ask about her. She sounded like my dream dog, after all. Timing isn't always on the side of fate. When I called, the receptionist at the Casper Humane Society told me that she was already spoken for. She was scheduled to be spayed later that week and after that she would go to her new home.

“You're the second person to call about her,” the receptionist said. “I can put your name on the list in case they change their minds.”

“Sure, why not?” I said.

“But,” the receptionist said. “They aren't going to change their minds. They are definitely going to take her.”

“Okay,” I said. “That's no problem. I just wanted to call and see about her.”

“Do you still want us to call you in case the adoption falls through?”

“Yeah, sure. Give me a call if something changes.”

“Okay, we have your name on the list. But nothing will change.”

“Thank you.”

The very next day I had a voicemail from the receptionist at the shelter, informing me that the adoption had fallen through and if I was still interested in “Lacy” I should call them and come down to see her. I decided to drive down there that Saturday to see the dog even though I still had a trip to Denver planned a week later.

I filled out the adoption papers and the shelter receptionist told me to come back the following week to get her. They did sort of act like they couldn't get rid of her fast enough.  While this made me a little nervous, I chose to ignore it.

The first thing I did when I got the dog home was change her name. Lacy was the name on her papers, but she was such a rough and tumble dog, so full of spit and vinegar and bravado, that the name just didn't fit her. I changed her name to the Contessa because her ego rivaled the size of Wyoming. I've never seen a female dog that was so alpha. Not only was she a constant blur of movement, her personality was completely unchecked. The shelter employees acted almost as though she was some kind of holy terror they wanted to unload on the first unsuspecting person. I saw a dog that had been purchased as a puppy and left to basically raise herself with no discipline and no boundaries, probably confined to the yard. No wonder the shelter employees kept giving me that look like they were afraid I'd change my mind about her too.

Digging was never something I had to deal with, but Tess was not an easy dog. It was probably the only bad habit besides barking that she did not have. She was fearless and bossy, not mistreated or neglected, but just full of herself. I walked her for three hours every day the first four months I had her and I probably vented to my mother every day about the impossibility of Tess' issues.

She never stopped moving. She never stopped frustrating me.  She was completely alpha, and lifted her leg on trees and clumps of grass like a male dog.

She was smart. German shepherds are mind readers. They can anticipate their owners' every move and all of Tess' misbehavior culminated in a complete lack of exercise and discipline. She challenged me at every turn and once she tried to mount me. I squatted down on the floor to pick something up and she clambered on to my back and tried to put my whole head in her mouth. That resulted in a fight of epic proportions. There we were, a 105 pound 5'4” woman wrestling a 65 pound dog of solid muscle to the ground until I could sit on her head and she was too exhausted to fight anymore.

Another fight happened during a walk. She decided she didn't want to follow where I was going and rebelled against her correction. For several seconds she was up on her hind legs, her paws wrapped around my shoulders and my hands on either side of her muzzle while she mouthed my forearms.

Once again, I won. Once again Tess ended up on the ground with me sitting on her. I'm sure we looked ridiculous to outside observers.

A third fight resulted from her trying to mount me in my front yard after a walk. We wrestled for at least fifteen minutes. She wouldn't submit. I wouldn't give up. I held her down while she fought, paws flailing, my forearm in her mouth. Every time I got her down on the ground she would lay still for a second and then begin struggling again. She rolled on her back and kicked all four legs at my face and chest, resembling an overturned turtle. I finally managed to get her on her side and the air filled with her panting and my heavy breathing, both of us spent and exhausted, both of us stubborn and determined to come out as top dog.

Our relationship turned a corner then. Our walks no longer turned into fights. Tess no longer challenged me or tried to climb on my back.

I was never prouder of her than the day I took her to the dog park. That day Tess ran with the other dogs, playing with some, avoiding others, and one in particular kept annoying her, following her around and trying to mount her in dominance. Tess is alpha and dominant herself, but instead of picking a fight she snarled and snapped at the dog if he got too close. She never made contact or drew blood. True to dog behavior she disciplined the bad-mannered pug with unfailing patience and no sign of aggression, just like I had to do with her when I first got her. She was calm-assertive, a true pack leader, asserting her dominance in a healthy way and encouraging all the other dogs to follow her.

Now when I work on my writing she stretches out under the table at my feet, completely relaxed, no longer a whirlwind of constant movement.

She does still however lift her leg on every tree or rock, announcing to the rest of the world that she is alpha over everything but me.

That's my good girl.