Who Needs a Security System?

 My dogs bark at EVERYTHING.

After twelve years of Tess, I cannot get used to this. Tess barked, sure. She barked if someone came to the door, she barked if she saw some strange person walk by on the street, and she barked at the wind. 

My dogs will be lounging quietly while I watch TV in the bedroom, and suddenly burst into an explosion of barking. It scares the shit out of me and then I sit there in bewilderment wondering what the hell.

Murphy likes to sit on the cat ledge where he has a perfect view of the kitchen window, and if someone has the nerve to walk by with their dog, or one of the resident bunnies hops along, he will lose his shit and start barking until they are out of sight.

Good job, buddy. You scared that evil nasty bunny right out of the garden.

We'll all be hanging out in the bedroom and I'm reading a book and Colleen and Murphy will sit on my bed, watching out the back door for any threatening people walking a threatening Shih Tzu. Sometimes children bike or skateboard down the street. This is unacceptable. Barking ensues.

If the neighbors let their pit bulls out to play and go potty? Well, the world has just come to an end. All four of my dogs will race to the backdoor and go crazy, like the pit bulls have some nerve behaving like, you know, dogs.

When did I end up with such dog reactive nut jobs? I never had this problem with Tess.

Heaven help us if the doorbell rings. 

God, I hate that anyway. If I'm expecting someone, then they have to text me, let me know they are on the doorstep, and I'll open the door before they knock or ring the doorbell. The dogs will bark at "Oh my God, new people in our house!!" but they get over it fast and settle down. A doorbell sends them over the edge.

I don't mind so much, really. I mean, ever since I threw the abusive asshole out of my house last summer, I acquired a security camera so I can see who is coming onto my property (damn that Door Dash - my neighbors on both sides do it - and I'll check my camera and be like why is there a car in my driveway??? Oh....Door Dash). And having four dogs who bark at everything is actually a good thing. "Weirdo alert, weirdo alert! Bark bark bark."

Cue calling the police.

Okay, so that hasn't happened yet. But I'm sure hearing two deep scary barks intermingled with the frenzied yapping of two furry gremlins would be enough to deter anyone from a property.

One night the police actually did show up on my doorstep. I was watching TV, minding my own business around 8:30 pm, and the doorbell rang. I about had a heart attack. Like I have anxiety as it is, and then the unexpected sends me right into panic mode. My dogs went nuts. Absolutely crazy. I went to the door to ask who was there, but of course, they couldn't hear me. The dogs were barking too loud. I finally heard "Police Department!" so I opened the door and slipped outside so the dogs would SHUT UP. Joy literally tried to push through the door with her head to get at the whoever dared to intrude, and the whole house was in confusion. Even standing out on the porch to talk to the officers with the door shut, I could still hear my dogs barking, and it was that frantic barking of "My owner's going to die, get help!"

Dudes, it was the police. I think we're fine.

Turns out they were looking for my ex, and since his dumb ass never updated his mailing address, everything, and I mean EVERYTHING (including his W2), comes to my house looking for him.

See? It's a good thing I have cameras and alarm dogs, because the abusive asshole is STILL fucking up my life.

I sent them on their merry way, having some idea where he might be staying (he keeps his vehicles at a storage unit a block from my house, so the camera is very important), and after checking the reports the next morning I learned they did manage to arrest him.

Good.

Of course, he had to have known I sent them there because it was no secret they were at my house (cop cars don't hide well), and he knows I know he's been keeping his vehicles there. I mean he was driving by my house every day for about six months (probably checking to see who I'm sleeping with - that would be a NO ONE). I'm inclined to believe he's doing it to be an asshole. So ever since then I've been expecting retribution, though it hasn't happened yet.

The dogs didn't calm down for about two hours after that whole ordeal.

Another night I was in bed watching a movie about 7 p.m. I had all my lights off and I think I may have even fallen asleep at one point. And the doorbell rings.

Oh my God. Joy LOST it. And Kira sounded like she was going to rip whoever to shreds. She is part pit bull after all. She has the bark and the bite to prove it. Murphy launched off the bed and went yapping to the gate at the bottom of the stairs, and I had a panic attack once again.  Figured it was the cops again. Or maybe this time it was the ex coming to pay his respects.

It was my neighbor. With the rent money. For the life of me I could not figure out why he was ringing my doorbell and handing me an envelope when they only have ever stuck it in my mailbox and then texted me to let me know it was there. Like we have never had to interact to exchange money before. The dogs lost their shit, he backed up with the most mortified look on his face and practically ran back next door, and once again I couldn't go to sleep until almost ten while I tried to calm my pounding heart.

I'm going to dismantle that damn doorbell.

And murder my neighbor.

So now the dogs bark when I let them out back before we go to bed. It doesn't matter what's going on out there. Wind rustling leaves, a car driving by, the neighbor dogs, some random bunny. It's a bark fest, and everyone is so keyed up all the time, I don't know how to calm us down. Joy is even on anti-anxiety medicine.

I had to get on Lexapro.

I guess I'm safe enough. It's no secret that four crazy dogs live at my house, and I wouldn't put it past Kira to take a chunk out of someone if she felt threatened enough. A German shepherd and a pit bull aren't exactly something you'd want to mess with anyway. It's kind of fun really. I've always wanted to yell through the door when someone rang the doorbell, "I've got a German shepherd, a pit bull, and a loaded Glock, so you have to ask yourself. Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?"

Not that I would ever actually do it. The neighbor already thinks I'm nuts, and with my luck I'd yell it the next time the cops show up.

   Threatening, isn't he?

   She looks sweet but don't let her fool you.